See, Christians try to say that being a non-believer frees you from all responsibility. Without God, you can do whatever you want.
No. You can't.
Some days, I look back on things I have done and I feel like giving up on myself. God didn't help with that and with that faith gone, it is a double edged sword really. I can't pull "The Devil made me do it" bullshit. I wish I could. I can only look in the mirror and realize how close I was to being single and miserable.
I can call bullshit on that idea as well. I have seen the challenge put forward that non-religious folk should have no use for marriage as it's a religious ceremony. Okay, but then what? I am a family man. I can't go out and party because I miss my wife and kids too much. It's a cold, hard fact and hasn't changed since I lost my faith in God.
I think the idea of a woman taking my last name is very comforting in the idea that going through life with someone on your side is preferable to the alternative. It's the same reason really why I managed to stay a virgin until I met my wife.
I could call God on that one. The thing is, I think maybe one kid from my church stayed a virgin until they were married. The backwards bullshit way the church dealt with sex was the problem. My youth group actually thought you could engage in various sex acts and as long as there was no penetration, it wasn't against the Bible. I laughed and asked if they would do it while Jesus watched. I mean, since he could apparently watch everything at once and all... They hated that harsh reminder and it appears none of them were ready for the fact that sex is sex. Once you start playing around, one thing does lead to another.
I can't believe I am old enough now that some of these people who were that naive are now seen as leadership figures within the church, as people the current youth should ask for advice. It's this kind of rewarding ignorance which gives me a headache.
In my case, I just don't agree with the easy answers. It's all very easy and, yeah, it's reassuring like Santa Claus is when you're a kid, but reality is always better.
I still am the same person I was 10 years ago when I went to church. I fell asleep during sermons, often passed notes back and forth during the service because I had heard it all before. It must be tough to read from the same textbook for 50+ years. Imagine going to school every year and never advancing beyond your first textbook? I'd go insane with "We already learned this. Doesn't this subject go any deeper than this?"
I would still be a believer if I had ever received any indication that anyone listened when I prayed. I used to pray every night when I walked home from work. I only stopped that three years ago. I was seeking honest answers to life's big questions and NEVER got any signal that anyone was listening or willing to steer me in the right direction. I made horrible decisions which I will spend the rest of my life kicking myself over and I discussed these things in prayer well in advance of these things happening. No cosmic force tried to stop it.
I always sigh when I hear the standard "God allows you to be tested" stuff. Okay, my son comes to me tomorrow and tells me he is going to lick a few batteries and see which one is live. After that, he plans to skydive using plastic bags he taped together as a parachute. As a responsible father, I will stop him. God won't stop anyone. I would defy any "believer" from going up in a place with a parachute they made themselves waiting for God to stop them.
Oh, right, that's tempting God. What? No it isn't! How childish is that? If I know my son is going to plunge to his doom, I can't tell the police "My son told me about the plastic bag chute. He was testing me, so I let him die as a lesson to him." I would be on the 6:00 news seen as a horrible man and rightfully so.
That's the thing. I have been a bad person at times in my life. I feel guilty about it some days more than others. I take full responsibility for my own actions as being mine alone. Life is a lesson and we are the instructor in the end. I prefer cold and harsh reality to a pie in the sky idea. If I want that, I'll watch Neverending Story or Princess Bride.
If someone else chooses to believe that their bad decisions are dictated by an invisible God and can only be forgiven by the death of a Jew 2,000 years ago, and that gets them through life, cheers to them. I just found that existence hollow and it was too easy to blame my misdeeds on the Devil, as tests and as things that HAD to happen in my life to make me a better person. Nothing really has to happen when we have a choice in what we do. The guilt belongs to me.
And, hey, when cool things happen, that's mine as well. I can take full credit for how absolutely freaking awesome I am now. It's not all bad news. :P
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