Life Does Have Meaning

I am always baffled at being told that life without God means no meaning to life. It makes sense inside the bubble, but outside of it, there's just no logic to it.

I don't get a lot of things anyways. Maybe I don't want to be as easily distracted as people were in the Bible. Moses goes up the mountain to SEE God. He is leading people who have witnessed miracles which could make believers out of non-believers. (Odd that not a single Egyptian saw fit to go with him, but hey) Moses is up the mountain and what do his people do? They build an idol to worship. ...... ...... Okay..... you're the stupidest people EVER. You know God is ON the mountain, right there in the physical sense. You build a statue to worship instead. You're also probably the most boring people ever while we're at it.

I don't need to build anything to worship. I like my life how it is. Now, I went to the Adventist church and, in their eyes, everything is an idol. You drive too much? Your car is your idol. Watch too much hockey? Hockey is your idol. Too much sex? Actually, that never came up... Anywho, it's not accurate. Just because I spend time on the computer doesn't make it an idol. It makes it a part of my life and a useful part at that. It makes the same amount of sense as saying my friends are my idols if I hang out with them a lot. Now, I like some of my friends a lot, but I won't be worshipping them unless they win Lotto or something.

So, what is the meaning of life without God? Life is the meaning of life. I don't believe in an afterlife, so this is all I have. To my wife and kids, I have great importance, so that's meaning as well. I enjoy living. I don't identify with the idea I have to worship something to give me meaning. If there's any existence which sounds hollow, it's needing something external to give you meaning. "Without God, I'm nothing." I feel sad for you. "God is all, we're garbage compared to him." I have a higher view of humanity than that and refuse to believe that any non-Christians are garbage. I struggle with Edmonton Oiler fans being viewed as human, but that's how it is.

My meaning to this life is to enjoy my family, gain as much knowledge as I can in things I enjoy, play sports, stay in shape and live as long and fruitful a life as possible. Along the way, I treat people as equals and try to avoid controversy. Anything can happen in this life and we don't know where, when or how it will end. I am 36 and I have outlived some healthy people already, people who led God-fearing lives of chastity, non-smoking or drinking and all and they're gone? I am still here. I will enjoy the time I have and I know life has meaning. I see it every time I am with my family and every time I have a moment to enjoy a sunrise, sunset or a really great Rammstein song.

To me, it just seems really simple. Life has meaning from life itself. Mine doesn't require a deity of any sort.

The Truth About Guilt

See, Christians try to say that being a non-believer frees you from all responsibility. Without God, you can do whatever you want.

No. You can't.

Some days, I look back on things I have done and I feel like giving up on myself. God didn't help with that and with that faith gone, it is a double edged sword really. I can't pull "The Devil made me do it" bullshit. I wish I could. I can only look in the mirror and realize how close I was to being single and miserable.

I can call bullshit on that idea as well. I have seen the challenge put forward that non-religious folk should have no use for marriage as it's a religious ceremony. Okay, but then what? I am a family man. I can't go out and party because I miss my wife and kids too much. It's a cold, hard fact and hasn't changed since I lost my faith in God.

I think the idea of a woman taking my last name is very comforting in the idea that going through life with someone on your side is preferable to the alternative. It's the same reason really why I managed to stay a virgin until I met my wife.

I could call God on that one. The thing is, I think maybe one kid from my church stayed a virgin until they were married. The backwards bullshit way the church dealt with sex was the problem. My youth group actually thought you could engage in various sex acts and as long as there was no penetration, it wasn't against the Bible. I laughed and asked if they would do it while Jesus watched. I mean, since he could apparently watch everything at once and all... They hated that harsh reminder and it appears none of them were ready for the fact that sex is sex. Once you start playing around, one thing does lead to another.

I can't believe I am old enough now that some of these people who were that naive are now seen as leadership figures within the church, as people the current youth should ask for advice. It's this kind of rewarding ignorance which gives me a headache.

In my case, I just don't agree with the easy answers. It's all very easy and, yeah, it's reassuring like Santa Claus is when you're a kid, but reality is always better.

I still am the same person I was 10 years ago when I went to church. I fell asleep during sermons, often passed notes back and forth during the service because I had heard it all before. It must be tough to read from the same textbook for 50+ years. Imagine going to school every year and never advancing beyond your first textbook? I'd go insane with "We already learned this. Doesn't this subject go any deeper than this?"

I would still be a believer if I had ever received any indication that anyone listened when I prayed. I used to pray every night when I walked home from work. I only stopped that three years ago. I was seeking honest answers to life's big questions and NEVER got any signal that anyone was listening or willing to steer me in the right direction. I made horrible decisions which I will spend the rest of my life kicking myself over and I discussed these things in prayer well in advance of these things happening. No cosmic force tried to stop it.

I always sigh when I hear the standard "God allows you to be tested" stuff. Okay, my son comes to me tomorrow and tells me he is going to lick a few batteries and see which one is live. After that, he plans to skydive using plastic bags he taped together as a parachute. As a responsible father, I will stop him. God won't stop anyone. I would defy any "believer" from going up in a place with a parachute they made themselves waiting for God to stop them.

Oh, right, that's tempting God. What? No it isn't! How childish is that? If I know my son is going to plunge to his doom, I can't tell the police "My son told me about the plastic bag chute. He was testing me, so I let him die as a lesson to him." I would be on the 6:00 news seen as a horrible man and rightfully so.

That's the thing. I have been a bad person at times in my life. I feel guilty about it some days more than others. I take full responsibility for my own actions as being mine alone. Life is a lesson and we are the instructor in the end. I prefer cold and harsh reality to a pie in the sky idea. If I want that, I'll watch Neverending Story or Princess Bride.

If someone else chooses to believe that their bad decisions are dictated by an invisible God and can only be forgiven by the death of a Jew 2,000 years ago, and that gets them through life, cheers to them. I just found that existence hollow and it was too easy to blame my misdeeds on the Devil, as tests and as things that HAD to happen in my life to make me a better person. Nothing really has to happen when we have a choice in what we do. The guilt belongs to me.

And, hey, when cool things happen, that's mine as well. I can take full credit for how absolutely freaking awesome I am now. It's not all bad news. :P

Baffling Fakeness

This isn't restricted to religious and non-religious. This is just something that baffles the shit out of me.

Seriously, this has bothered me for years and maybe it's just me. I am a loner. I recently tried going out and being a part of things again, but I'm not a drinker, don't use drugs and genrally am not amused by the same things as most people. What appeals to me is the more intellectual pursuits and I am a big fan of actually getting to know people instead of being a surface type who plays drinking games or tells the same lame joke over and over.

I just don't get fake people. Even now, I hear who the sleazy slutty backstabbers are. I hear how evil certain people are and see people I know being laughed at behind their backs. On the weekend, they become a big group hanging out and partying like they're best friends. That's a serious bullshit move.

If I talk to you, that means I like you. I find you worthwhile to talk to. That means I am not slamming the shit out of you when you leave the lunch room table. If you ask me if I said something, I will actually give you an honest answer. If I think a friend of mine is being a whore, I'll tell her to her face. I will also tell a man whore to his face since whores are equal in my mind. I don't believe men are studs and women are sluts. It can't work that way. Women enjoy sex, which doesn't make them sluts. Sorry people.

I have friends I really care about right now. I don't hang out with them on the weekend simply because I have a family to take care of and I can't be out carousing when I know my kids need to be tucked in at night. It just doesn't work.

So, I don't know what to do other than shut up and stay out of any of it. It's caused me to stop talking to pretty near everyone at work. The more I talked to them, the uglier the rumors got. I heard stuff I didn't need to know, third hand information that may or may not be true. FSM knows guys lie about getting laid and I am pretty sure women do, too. People lie to make other people look bad out of jealousy and their own self-image issues. I know this is happening and I am staying out of it.

For me it just sucks because the few people I really want to hang out with I can't. I know I would have a good time one on one with them, but since most are female and I'm not single, this could appear to be dating outside of my accepted parameters and then I am just making the gossip worse. I've been a victim myself of vicious gossip at work that was 100% not true, some of which actually caused me to change jobs. My reputation was just trashed. I hate watching it happen to others and it's one of the many things that make me wonder what the hell people are thinking since many of them are apparently religious and all.

No, I know. Religious folk aren't known for keeping their noses out of the business of others. It would just be nice if they pretended to folow the morals they try to bestow on the "sluts" and "whores" around them.

I don't know how much longer I can stay quiet. One friend of mine gets trashed A LOT behind their back and it's not my place to say anything since that gets me dragged into it. It's not my fight. I have bills to pay, food to buy and kids to raise. It just ruins some of my days at work and even affects my Facebook experience when I see someone cuddling for a cute picture with someone after telling me horrible things about them. That's some nasty fucking hypocrisy and I have NEVER done it. As a rule, if I don't like someone, I don't speak to them. That's it. Pretty fucking simple in my mind. Be up front, don't backstab and talk to people you actually like.

As I said in the beginning, if I talk to you, I like you. If a person is on my Facebook friends list, I like them. I respect them. When nasty rumors affect that respect, it makes me sick to my stomach a little. *sigh* I just feel discouraged.

Oh, and if anyone sees this and asks me about what rumors are said and about who, I won't elaborate. I have vented and I am staying the hell OUT of it. My only advice is to be careful how open you are with people you're not certain won't stab you in the back. I trust the woman I have loved for ten years, my two awesomest friends from Stream and a few people at my current job. That's it. See what I did there? I didn't even give names of those friends. I'm stealthy as Bruce Wayne I tells ya!

How I De-Converted (An Intro)

I wasn't born a Christian. I became one when I was 15. I joined the Seventh Day Adventist church through a seminar they held. I was impressed by what they had to say and by the way the 20 part series went. It made sense to me.

That was 21 years ago now. A lot has changed. Unfortunately, the simple world turned complicated and the simple answers stopped making sense.

I'm not a scientist. I consider myself an intelligent person, one who was always interested in politics and history even as a teenager. I read up a lot on astronomy and on geology. I don't understand now how I studied these things and remained a Christian.

I understand why "fundies" are how they are. I know that many of them mean well, while some have a feeling they're superior to the rest of us. I used to have that same feeling. God was on my side. God loved me and was going to take care of me.

The sticky part is, there is a rule that I read and believed in. If any part of the Bible is false, the rest cannot be trusted. Every word is the inspired word of God and is absolute truth. That made sense to me and I never read anything in church to lead me to believe that the Bible was not a book for me.

Genocide changed that. God's chosen people wiping out nations? Babies being slaughtered? Pregnant women being slaughtered? Keep the virgin girls as spoils of war? What?

I have been told I don't understand. I have been told that God has a mysterious plan we cannot comprehend. Damned straight I don't comprehend. Genocide is NEVER right. Genocide is completely and totally opposed to a loving and forgiving God. The fact is, the warm fuzzies of Jesus and the New Testament are directly in opposition with the wrathful God of the Old.

Once I figured that out, I started looking into things further. I didn't believe in the flood. It's not possible geologically. I didn't believe the Tower of Babel story either. I didn't believe in Jonah and the Whale. The cards fell from there.

I have been told to "listen to my heart." My heart is often wrong. If the heart was always right, we wouldn't have divorce and we would all marry our first girlfriend or boyfriend. The heart is often wrong and mine has been wrong often.

The fact that I enjoyed history, astronomy and geology also chipped away at the wall of faith I had built. The Earth was NOT 6,000 years old. The universe was not 6,000 years old either. Mankind did not walk with the dinosaurs. Evolution is just a theory, but so is gravity and there is a lot of evidence for evolution.

The answer to every question you don't understand is "Goddidit." Hey, I used to use that one myself. I would cherry pick in science and pull things I felt supported my narrow view and ignored the rest.

At some point, that madness had to end. The madness had to give way to rational thought. Yeah, I have to take things on faith no matter what side I take. The difference is, a scientist in Brussels or Moscow or London doesn't work to disprove God. Creation Science seems to exist to try and debunk evolution. The scientists around the world are not trying to debunk anything. They make observations and report their findings through peer review. If they're wrong, it's exposed quickly and disposed of after that. Creation Science is an oxymoron as it doesn't work on the scientific model, but on trying to make everything fit the Bible. Everything becomes, "Well, you don't know how the universe started." No, I am not a scientist. I will venture into cosmology and see what people who actually have studied the field have to say about it.

The part that pisses me off is the overall belief that I hate God or that I am somehow less human. I must have no emotions. I must be a cold and indifferent person.

I always hold the door open for a lady. I am curteous. I treat people as I want to be treated. I believe in saying please and thank you. I don't stab my friends in the back. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I closely monitor what my kids are doing, who they play with and what they watch on TV. I don't abuse my kids or my wife. I believe everyone is equal, regardless of race or nationality. Morals and ethics don't fly out the window because I don't believe in God anymore. If anything, I have lost my invisible safety net and the excuse that the Devil makes me do bad things. Nope, I made me do that. That was MY doing and the owness is suddenly on me.

It would be a more romantic world with God in it, sure, but it would be awesome with Hobbits, wizards and orcs too. I just prefer reality and what I can see, hear, taste and feel.

That's all my energy level allows for now. I'll expand on this later, probably in my all over the place kind of way...